So I had a job interview yesturday. You have no idea how many I have had in the past 8 months… it is rediculous. Or how many jobs I have actually applied for. Most likely it is around 400… sad I know. My interview was at a church across nashville. They were wanting a receptionist. I thought the interview went great, she wrote down key words that I said, and I read the ones she wrote down from where I was sitting, and they were all good. But she said they were going to get back to me yesturday or today… so far, nothing. They aren’t open on fridays, so I won’t hear from them tomorrow. It is so disappointing to know that I really tired at this interview and I am extremely qualified, and asked for money in their range… and I have not heard from them… what is the deal. I know God wants me to go back to Springfield, and my mom told me that I could come home in a couple of weeks and take over for someone of vacation for 4 days, so maybe that is why I haven’t heard anything. I just feel deflated…. blah.

I am really tired. Though I sleep most days 8 to 10 hours, I wake up exhausted. Of course I don’t have a job, so that slows me down, and makes me exhausted just trying to think about finding a job. But what makes me more exhausted is that my husband and I can’t agree on much right now. I am exhausted from fighting, arguing. I am numb to our relationship right now. I feel no will to continue in much of anything. I get snippy at little things. I post things on facebook, and when people right comments trying to cheer me up, it actually makes me mad. Not mad like “Oh your stupid why would you say that”, but mad because sometimes I just want people to read it and not try to cheer me up. It is stupid I know. I am just tired of Chris not hearing me on my situation. I am tired of him saying that he can do something for me because I do alot for him, and then it doesn’t happen. I know things change, and I know minds change, but this wasn’t supposed to change! I have no will to find a job in Nashville, because I have one waiting for me back home. Of course I am still trying, even though he thinks I have given up competely, I haven’t. He leaves notes of things for me to apply, and he thinks it helps, even though I tell him that it doesn’t. It makes me feel like he doesn’t think I am trying hard enough, which is a true statement. He doesn’t. I want to go home, that is final. I can’t think of a place that will make me happier, I want to work in a job that I feel comfortable in, and happy in. I tried to give him the option of us living apart for alittle while, but he shot that down so fast. That is the only option I see though. I will never be satisfied with this place. I will never be able to not miss living in Springfield. I hate the fact that we live in Tennessee. It doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. I want to go home.

So I guess this blog is going out of style for me. I know no one reads it, I am just writing today for my own sanity. It has been an extremely (Or what it feels like extremely) long 8 months. Our wedding went smooth, it rained up until 5 minutes before the ceremony, but then God blesses us with great light for the pictures, so it was worth it. Our pictures were great, by Preston Dial. We also had pictures by our cousin Adam, they are great too.

Anyways, we live in Nashville now… not my favorite. I have not been able to find a full time job, and I am going crazy because of it. It sucks to feel like no one will hire you even though you have a college degree. I see all those STUPID commercials on TV telling people to get off the couch and do something with their life like get a degree! It doesn’t work, just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you can get a job and GET OFF THE COUCH! I worked as a camp councilor this past summer, it was fun, I got to swim and play kid games, which felt nice, then I was unemployed until september/october and got a 3.5 week full time temp job for $16 an hour, that helped SO much! Then I was unemployed again until finally Toy’s R Us called me and I got a job there late November, only to be laid off on Christmas Eve… not cool at all. So now I am deserately trying to find a job again. I kills me trying to find a job. I don’t know what I want to do anymore, nothing makes me happy enough anymore. I feel worthless in anyjob I hold because I know it won’t be more than a month most likely. My stupid Temp agency that I am signed up with has not done its job at ALL. I got one 7 hour day out of them counting medical supplies in a cold hospital. I am the only one who has a job, Chris is in school and has an internship that isn’t paid, so I am stuck with the stress of finding a job. It just feels pointless in being here. I could have had a full time job the whole time in Springfield. And now I got offered one again when we were thinking about moving back, and I was SO happy about it, and excited because I thought we were going to be able to go HOME. But then Chris got a call, which he has been waiting for for the past 2 years from a local guitar company run by two brothers. They are offering him a possible job. It isn’t for sure at all, they don’t even have the money from the bank yet. And when they do get the money from the bank they couldn’t hire him for another 6 months. Which completely blocks out my plan. I know we are one now, and we do things together, but everything here is bringing us apart! All I can think about is going home. All I want is the full time job where I am happy at home. I know this is a great opportunity for Chris, if it goes through. I want to support him, I really do. But i am so drained that I don’t think I can. This place has givin me nothing. Nothing but hurtful days and nights. Yeah we have his friends here, which helps, but not enough. I just can’t seem to get through to him. I try to tell him why I need to go home, but he doesn’t believe me that God is telling me to go. I understand that if God told me you would think Chris would have heard it to, but neither of us have heard anything for a while. I have always needed to go back home, that is why I left Rolla, is to go back home. Nothing will ever be a home, without it being home. I have tried to make it that way, but something resists it. idon’t know what to do. I gave Chris the option of me moving back and him staying here while he waited for that job to see if it would work out, but he wouldn’t have any of it. He said if he took the job, he would want to be there 5 to ten years. I just don’t think I can last it another year, let alone 5. When I have a full time job opportunity at home, it is hard to even think of staying. So what am I supposed to do? How do I make myself feel at home here? I have tried everything, I have tried friends, putting pictures up on the wall, praying about it, but nothing has worked. There is a barrier up that is not letting be at home here. I don’t know what to do…

Keep the faith.

So, I’m getting married tomorrow! This is incredible. I am marrying the exact guy that God has set on this earth for me. Who ever knew. I am so blessed right now, and it has been a stressful road. God has provided us with great weather all week, and I pray that he blesses us with great weather tomorrow. Pray for us. I pray that we have a happy life together, and that God watches over us and everything we do.

Keep the faith!

Boy, what an eventful day it was yesturday. Yesturday was Chris’s and my 5 year anniversary of dating. Just about 7 more to go till we get married! It was alittle uneventful since we are waiting to celebrate anything until I get to Nashville tomorrow. Pray that I get there safely.

Also, I had a good friend tell me that she is backing out on me for being a bridesmaid. It is not that I didn’t see it coming, but the way she did it was completely rude and just wrong. Something was wrong to begin with when we first had to beg her to be one. She may not be the type to be a bridesmaid, but she was a great friend of Chris’s before I even met him, so we both thought it would be a great choice. She called me yesturday and proceeded to tell me that she didn’t feel right about it. That we had grown farther apart over the years, an that it was Chris’s and my fault for never calling her. Need me remind everyone this is the person that Chris and I usually always called when he was in town, and she never either answered or called up back. SO for her to tell me that I never called, and never came over was a big shock. When I told her I did, she told me I was wrong. She proceeded to tell me that I didn’t mention to her that Chris was in town last week for his fall break. First of all, it isn’t my job to contact all of our friends when he is in town. We didn’t have time to hang out with anyone while he was here. Especially Why would I call someone who has failed to return our phone calls for the past 3 years. She also said that we could have stopped by, and again I am thinking “why would we stop by when we have before and no one was there?” It is so frustrating to me that I am getting blamed for this. When ever Chris and I want to hang out with Friends, she used to be the first person to call, and when she didn’t answer or call us back, we moved on to someone else. Why is it suddenly on my shoulders to appease her. It was rude, it was uncalled for ,and it hurt. If you didn’t want to be apart of the wedding in the first place you shouldn’t have agreed to begin with. Thanks.

Why do things have to be so complicated, and wrong.

Keep the faith.

Boy, time has flown since I last wrote. I feel so unmotivated to write anything though. I have been over worked by school, and stress. 6 tests this week alone. Chris’s and my wedding is now only 8 months away! That is really exciting. Last night we got to talking about things that have always sort of bothered me. It seems that I can’t always remember things that people do for me. It isn’t that I want to forget, it is just Stress, and my life gets in the way of seeing just how much something has changed. I have alot of things that distract me from that I suppose. I know someone has changed, and has done alot for me. Sometimes it isn’t about projects, or gifts though. I feel I have changed in a big way. I know he has too. There are just dome things that are going really slow, and we both know it. I am in no way trying to change anything, just trying to enlighten, and make it at least tolerable. I suppose this issue is done. I just have nothing else on my mind I want to talk about.

I know you do things for me. Always. I am sorry I feel like sometimes you don’t. It isn’t because you don’t try, it is just life is getting in the way right now. Too much stress, too much on my plate, and sometimes yours. Too much time apart doesn’t help either. It is stressful being apart, and being together. I just hope that once it is may, things can look up. Finally being able to be together forever, instead of feeling forever apart. Finally being able to be on our own together, and rely on each other for real. It will feel so nice to just be together, and not have a date of when we have to leave each other again. These years of being apart really sucked, and I am tired, and don’t want to do it anymore.

Keep the faith.

P.S. I love you.

So, Summer is officially underway, and almost half way done… School is still way in session for me. It sucks. I am so burnt out, and want to throw a book at the next person I see. Chris is gone again. This summer didn’t go as I had hoped. We got some important things done for the wedding, but I was hoping for alittle more.

I have kind of been feeling alittle strange lately. Do you ever catch yourself feeling like you are being rude, or alittle out of character and you don’t know why, or can’t seem to understand why on earth this character keeps coming out to visit? It sounds wierd, but I have been feeling rude. I don’t mean to snap, but I do. I don’t want to, but I do. It is frustrating. I just can’t seem to figure out what is truely causing it. I have become sinical, again, and I hate that. I want to be happy again. I want to wake up in the morning and feel like I am going to have a great day instead of thinking, “WHO TURNED THE DAMN SUN ON?!” My attitude towards things feels like crap, but people around me assure me that it isn’t. I don’t know why I feel this way if they say I am not. Whatever. I am just tired of back-and-forth of everything. School, Chris, Family, Work, School, oh and did I mention SCHOOL. It never ends. I never have a break from school, and I know that is my own doing, and some time in the future I will be thanking myself for giving up my last summer of break from anything. Chris is gone again, I feel like I wasted our time with my attitude. I was so crabby, sorry hunny, I just was so worn out by my life that it was hard to focus heathilly on our relationship, so instead I just let it sit. While this was happening I felt uneasy about things. The general questions of having less than a year till we are married started to pop up, Am I ready for this, Can my attitude change, Is this really going to keep bothering me, Am I going to drive him away, will I be a good mom, do I have enough patience to be a wife? All these crap questions that keep haunting me everyday, 24/7. Life is at a standstill, and I know I only have a 11 months of this left… but dang I want it OVER WITH! Lord bring me peace.

Keep the faith.

So, Summer has started for most, but for me… just another round of school.  I am currently in my first intersession class.  Thank goodness my teacher is nice and gives us two breaks a day because the class is from 9 to 12:30.  We have gone through two weeks, and have one to go!  HURRAH!  Very excited that I almost am done with this class!  But just as soon as this one is over I start two more…  and then Chris leaves for Canada a couple weeks after… time have flown since he has been home.  He has almost gotten my garden complete, except for the plants.  I couldn’t have done it without him.  This for the weddings are seeming very slow… it doesn’t feel like we have gotten anything accomplish, accept for our 2nd engagment pictures…….  But anyways I chose my bridal party.  My Maid of Honor called me yesturday and accepted, so that makes me really happy!  Lets just hope everyone else accepts.  Well, I am on a break after taking a test, so I should probably go soon.  One more week of this class, and hopefully I won’t touch a paper airplane for a VERY LONG TIME!

Keep the faith.

I am getting really bad at this.  I have no passion for writing currently.  It is most likely related to my Tech Writing class which i just wrote a 25 page manual for… Sorry.  My 21st birthday was a couple days ago, I was very unenvenful, and I don’t notice a difference.  The only difference is I got a new liscense and my picture is on the other side…  I have kind of been down in spirits lately, I don’t know if it was because I was too stressed with this semester or if I was just going crazy with loneliness.  Chris comes home tomorrow, so hopefully part of that will be cured!  My school ends in a week, than there is finals week.  I have to actually take a final in each class… 6 of them.  Two on monday, two on tuesday, and 2 on wednesday… NOT FUN.  Then the monday after finals week I start intersession for three weeks, than summer school for 5 or 6, than fall intersession for 2 weeks.  I basically have no break!  I guess this will get me ready for next summer, being married and having to get a job to support Chris and I!  Boy it feels good to say that next summer, as in summer 2009, I will be married!  I just hope I can find a job when we move.  I was kind of calculating things last night, and if we got a house with about the same mortgage payment as I have now, than I will need to make about $13 and hour just to pull that off and be able to pay bills in one month.  I doubt anywhere would hire me for that right away, but that would be nice!  I thought about getting into theatre again, but I don’t know of anyone that would hire a techy for $50 a show like I got when Copperfield was in Branson.  Boy that was really nice with two showes a day.

Anyways, I hope I don’t feel so bummed this summer, and I hope I can be a happier person because I am getting very frustrated feeling like this.  I dont feel very well in my faith right now, and I wish I could change that.  I recently have felt the urge to go out and take pictures, and I have, so that feels nice again.  But I just feel drained all the time.  Not drained enough to keep me from getting to things or working out but just slow, and draggy all the time.  I guess tired, and mopie.  Well on a better note Chris is coming home tomorrow, and it should be a good night if people show up for my movie night to help celebrate my birthday!  We shall see…  Oh but what movies to watch?!

Keep the faith.

Wow, has it really been about a month since I last posted… Strange. I am out of the writing mode, due to I am currently writing a giant english report about photography, so it is what I basically live and breath.

Spring break was nice. Chris and I had the exact same break time, so we pretty much lived and breathed each other for that time. I went to work everyday, but then I were always together. That was very nice. We went to the Ponka Trailhead for the Hemmed-in-Hollow trail and hiked two days with his parents. That was really nice, but very hard… surprisingly I could walk the next day though. I got two tick bites…. NOT FUN. I still have the marks.

Today my dad and I used up the rest of the railroad ties for a garden in the front of the house. I had a juniper bush that was falling apart, and help together with twine (thanks to me) that we cut down. We made the garden and put about 15 cubic feet of dirt in it. It didn’t look like that big of space. We have already planted a ton of things. We planted about 36 impatients, 36 dianthus, 2 hosta, and 10 caladiums. I think that is how you spell them. I hope this garden is successful, we shall see how i am with a green thumb. I am really excited to have my house looking better! At least on the outside that is. I need to complete my backyard, and then I will feel good about my home.

So alot of things have been going through my mind about alot of different subjects. I agreed to go and move to nashville with Chris after we get married. That means I will probably sell my home, which is hard for me to say, because I have become quite cozy in it. I am putting in Gardens, and I am afraid that the next owner would just get rid of them. I can’t imagine why they would, but I am going to be spending about $1000 or more putting them in, so it would be a waste if the next owner would not keep them up. You can’t just get rid of 20 rail road ties, or 300 blocks. Yes this garden is going to be huge. Anyways, so this is what I am really worried about. I have put in some hard work into this place, not alot but some, and I just don’t want some slob moving in and ruining it for my neighbors. Whatever, I don’t feel like rambling anymore.

Keep the faith.