I am really tired. Though I sleep most days 8 to 10 hours, I wake up exhausted. Of course I don't have a job, so that slows me down, and makes me exhausted just trying to think about finding a job. But what makes me more exhausted is that my husband and I can't agree on much right now. I am exhausted from fighting, arguing. I am numb to our relationship right now. I feel no will to continue in much of anything. I get snippy at little things. I post things on facebook, and when people right comments trying to cheer me up, it actually makes me mad. Not mad like "Oh your stupid why would you say that", but mad because sometimes I just want people to read it and not try to cheer me up. It is stupid I know. I am just tired of Chris not hearing me on my situation. I am tired of him saying that he can do something for me because I do alot for him, and then it doesn't happen. I know things change, and I know minds change, but this wasn't supposed to change! I have no will to find a job in Nashville, because I have one waiting for me back home. Of course I am still trying, even though he thinks I have given up competely, I haven't. He leaves notes of things for me to apply, and he thinks it helps, even though I tell him that it doesn't. It makes me feel like he doesn't think I am trying hard enough, which is a true statement. He doesn't. I want to go home, that is final. I can't think of a place that will make me happier, I want to work in a job that I feel comfortable in, and happy in. I tried to give him the option of us living apart for alittle while, but he shot that down so fast. That is the only option I see though. I will never be satisfied with this place. I will never be able to not miss living in Springfield. I hate the fact that we live in Tennessee. It doesn't feel right, it isn't right. I want to go home.

So I guess this blog is going out of style for me. I know no one reads it, I am just writing today for my own sanity. It has been an extremely (Or what it feels like extremely) long 8 months. Our wedding went smooth, it rained up until 5 minutes before the ceremony, but then God blesses us with great light for the pictures, so it was worth it. Our pictures were great, by Preston Dial. We also had pictures by our cousin Adam, they are great too.

Anyways, we live in Nashville now... not my favorite. I have not been able to find a full time job, and I am going crazy because of it. It sucks to feel like no one will hire you even though you have a college degree. I see all those STUPID commercials on TV telling people to get off the couch and do something with their life like get a degree! It doesn't work, just because you have a degree doesn't mean you can get a job and GET OFF THE COUCH! I worked as a camp councilor this past summer, it was fun, I got to swim and play kid games, which felt nice, then I was unemployed until september/october and got a 3.5 week full time temp job for $16 an hour, that helped SO much! Then I was unemployed again until finally Toy's R Us called me and I got a job there late November, only to be laid off on Christmas Eve... not cool at all. So now I am deserately trying to find a job again. I kills me trying to find a job. I don't know what I want to do anymore, nothing makes me happy enough anymore. I feel worthless in anyjob I hold because I know it won't be more than a month most likely. My stupid Temp agency that I am signed up with has not done its job at ALL. I got one 7 hour day out of them counting medical supplies in a cold hospital. I am the only one who has a job, Chris is in school and has an internship that isn't paid, so I am stuck with the stress of finding a job. It just feels pointless in being here. I could have had a full time job the whole time in Springfield. And now I got offered one again when we were thinking about moving back, and I was SO happy about it, and excited because I thought we were going to be able to go HOME. But then Chris got a call, which he has been waiting for for the past 2 years from a local guitar company run by two brothers. They are offering him a possible job. It isn't for sure at all, they don't even have the money from the bank yet. And when they do get the money from the bank they couldn't hire him for another 6 months. Which completely blocks out my plan. I know we are one now, and we do things together, but everything here is bringing us apart! All I can think about is going home. All I want is the full time job where I am happy at home. I know this is a great opportunity for Chris, if it goes through. I want to support him, I really do. But i am so drained that I don't think I can. This place has givin me nothing. Nothing but hurtful days and nights. Yeah we have his friends here, which helps, but not enough. I just can't seem to get through to him. I try to tell him why I need to go home, but he doesn't believe me that God is telling me to go. I understand that if God told me you would think Chris would have heard it to, but neither of us have heard anything for a while. I have always needed to go back home, that is why I left Rolla, is to go back home. Nothing will ever be a home, without it being home. I have tried to make it that way, but something resists it. idon't know what to do. I gave Chris the option of me moving back and him staying here while he waited for that job to see if it would work out, but he wouldn't have any of it. He said if he took the job, he would want to be there 5 to ten years. I just don't think I can last it another year, let alone 5. When I have a full time job opportunity at home, it is hard to even think of staying. So what am I supposed to do? How do I make myself feel at home here? I have tried everything, I have tried friends, putting pictures up on the wall, praying about it, but nothing has worked. There is a barrier up that is not letting be at home here. I don't know what to do...

Keep the faith.